Showing up on the page


Have I become someone who is now focussed on quantity over quality? Yes.

Because this creativity slump was affecting my mental health. I was thinking about how I should be writing, but sitting in front of the laptop and coming up blank. Just distracting myself with some shit or the other. There are too many blocks and naysayers in my head and around me too. I didn’t realise that. But since I have been working on this white woman workbook, it is really helping me. Of course, my “rationality” won’t let me disclose what book I am solving.. but my heart is really enjoying this DIY therapy. All this while, I have Gabor Mate leading me by the hand and helping me be kind to myself and my addiction. I have found some inner-spring and I want to protect it.

I have also discovered that I will always be teenage-ish chirpy or angsty.  Can I escape that voice? I am 27 now. I may be 35 and still like this. So, might as well embarrass myself if I must, if it is an inescapable part of my existence… Also, a lot of my writing is for me. So maybe, I will write a lot of stream of consciousness writing. Many embarrassing confessions to purge from my system. Maybe I will appear more thoughtful and poised than before. I am okay with that. This is not some pristine page of a book. That is clearly so much hard work, as I have discovered.

So since the lockdown, I have delved within without the guilt of “have to”. Deleting all the “should be doing this and that right now”. I am privileged enough to create my island and indulge my underemployed self into creativity and resolving my binge eating disorder with focus.  Week 1 of food sobriety, and I think I am on a high. Or maybe I am on to something and I am going to motivate myself to be in that process.

I have been writing. But just not here. I have three blogs in total now. This one is my projected self. A face for the faces I meet. I have another private blog to rant my heart out in fiction. A mirror to stare back at me. The third blog is public but I usually use it to think and do my writing projects there. More academic. More practice. The function is to be more helpful to others on that journey. So, that’s the persona, heart, brain categorized neatly. I am sure I can split myself further.. but now my task that I have set before me is to help me merge these. Become a bit whole.

Creativity is really indulgent. I am still doubting the capacity of the inner-spring. I am worried about the relapse in the future.  But there is also a thought in my head that wonderfully counters this. Just do. We’ll face what we must when it comes to it.  So yeah, if I am sounding high, maybe I am. I am okay with seeming delusional.

The best part is that blogs are finally out of fashion. Nobody is searching for blogs and the SEO tags, unless it has really contributed and curated knowledge. This is safely my island again. No dream and aspiration attached to this website.  Just exploration. Just showing up on the page to rest, to try, to daydream, to express, to be silly. 

Onwards!
tame shewolf.

PS: See you tomorrow for another 500 words.

Shaking off inertia


What a long time it has been!

I still can’t write though. It is taking a herculean effort to continue typing through this crappy attempt. My emotional energy has sapped before it is even noon. I have to muster a self-discipline I don’t have when I have to do something just for myself.

I have been thinking about why I have had such a stubborn writer’s block. I can’t make good paragraphs, so here is the stream of consciousness style of saying nothing while still overthinking:

I feel like — (this is how we’re starting sentences today)— in my head, there is a word limit or a length that is “publishable” content. I generally don’t post just one paragraph of good writing here. I would like to do that more often. Write even if it is just one paragraph. But then again, I want to set up context, and that leads to a longer essay  which is then feel like unnecessary and loud and not crisp. So I delete.

Plus, I am bored of the quote – text – quote format. I am distrustful of picking the perfect quote for my piece from the internet because quotes are removed from the context. There is a high chance that the man saying it was a douchebag and I don’t want to relate to a trash men known for quotable quotes like the genocidal maniac Churchill or the racist, casteist Gandhi.

I have also been thinking about my voice. My writing voice is angry, preachy and egoistic enough. I don’t know how to write in any other way. I am bored of myself.

If I do have “this” microphone in my hand, then what am I really saying here? What do I want people to know about me? Why?

I don’t intend this blog to have only good content. I want to allow myself to write about mundane things too. But I find it egoistic to be so loudly pointless.

I still talk to myself a lot. I try out my “humourous” anecdotes on friends. (Aside: The apostrophe only because my humour falls flat with people who don’t adore me, which only means I have to work on my set-up more, and not get too excited about the punchline).  I end up venting or discussing issues or even sometimes write it in my diary. So the urge to write it all for the blog dies out.

I like this blog. I don’t want to let go. So much of my clarity I built here. It is so embarrassingly emotional but I love it. It’s nostalgia with mixed emotions. I love that complicated realm. I am now a bit embarrassed of being vulnerable like that.

I also won’t delete this blog because I don’t want to curate my online life to make it seem perfect or presentable. If I opened that door, I would be constantly deleting because I get embarrassed easily. It is a good reminder of what kind of an idiot I have been, or how chirpy oblivious I was.. And it grounds me. When I see other people grow, it’s good to have proof to remember that I have been that kind of wrong, that kind of pathetic, that kind of loud.

At a certain point, I became really invested in being theoretically sound, and make arguments only rationally “with facts and evidences”, not getting emotional about it. But I’ve realised that’s not my writing style. I can’t talk as if this doesn’t matter to me or that the stakes are not high for me when I am writing it. It’s sexist, this demand to not be “irrational”, or equating lack of emotion to rationality.

A bit embarrassed to be emotional. Not really perfectly rational. So what to be?

This blog was also based so much on the identity of a “teenager”. It’s almost become like a character I play when I am writing for this blog. I am wondering what I am at this age. What does this new voice sound like? Have I developed a new voice? I don’t want to sound like a teenager, and the fear is, I still do. That is also what makes me delete my drafts now.

But I have to write if I have to develop a new voice.

Anyway, I have to treat this blog as a status update and not see it as a creative outlet anymore. I am too cautious to be creative at this point of time. Fingers crossed, a regular writing schedule will rekindle… something.

I can’t bring myself to proof-read this for typos, okay?

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Is signing off as Tame SheWolf also necessary? I have always been so pleased with myself about that.. Uff!