🔎 A fellow ethical slut


Dating culture has gone to the dogs with the pessimism and the need for a quick fix and the pervasive boredom and the sense of directionless that my generation suffers.  I have no problem with no promises attached sex. Been there, done that infinity times. But definitely, there is a person in front of you and not an object. But how we allow ourselves to treat someone as a means to an end will always remain beyond me.

Clearly, it has been very difficult for me to find a fellow ethical slutty person who is as forthright. So, I thought I should just write the things I value so that the next time a guy asks me I will just share a link to this blog and make him run away. 😛

First of all, I think it is important to not slut-shame. I literally have felt abandoned after I have honestly shared my sex-life. But sharing your history is part of a sexually healthy partnership. I am definitely not a risk-taker. I don’t know how to navigate being honest but not shamed or (in the other end of the spectrum) be treated as someone up for anything.

Second, and as important, communicate bitches! You may be an introvert, or a person with few words, but you have to speak up about what you want and don’t want; if you are bored and want to move on, or if you want something more; if you have a particular kink or fantasy.

My dating profile is very clear about what I want and don’t want. I still end up in situations I don’t want. If I ask clearly for what I want, there are still times when my needs are bulldozed over. (It sucks to date men). A lot of dating culture also normalises ghosting. I think, it is important to give the person closure. It will help you practice saying “No” even if it is on text. Then, if they can’t be mature about it, please by all means, BLOCK. Till then, in good faith, communicate your boredom, disinterest, and respect the other person’s feelings.

Open communication also entails, if you are comfortable at entering that level of conversation, to share your kinks and fantasies upfront. You definitely don’t want to be shocked or let down later. It helps you own your sexuality. Being open also doesn’t mean up for anything. So this conversation also helps in setting boundaries and actually being open to safe fun. (Plus, the way the guy talks is kinda a giveaway of how thoughtful he will be about your needs in bed later too. 🤞)

Hopefully, if your communication is free of any pretense, it also means that the chances of playing games with each other’s feelings reduces. So then, whatever the arrangement, there is a chance of both of y’all to reach a middle ground.

Also, I want to add one more underappreciated aspect of communication and that is — care for the person beyond your immediate needs. Be curious of other people and their stories and their daily lives. It doesn’t mean you have to talk everyday, but when you talk it has to be beyond “DTF?”. If you can’t do this, you are not ready to date. Basic human empathy required to be an ethical slut. Make lifelong fuckbuddies, not transactional ones.

Value empathetic consent. Don’t just value whatever has been communicated and agreed on. Be attuned to understanding someone’s discomfort in body language or temporary disinterest. It would requires empathy and also just keep checking in if you are in doubt. Slutty people don’t owe people sex all the time, even if they are up for it most of the time.

Know thyself, bitches– Dating is fun if you are clear about what you want from love and life. If you are with fellow confused people, there is bound to be hurt and confusion, because heterosexual romances are fraught with gender politics and then some more bullshit. Work out emotional baggage to avoid unloading it on others and missing out on good experiences. Don’t use sex as a means to feel better. You will not feel better, and neither will the other person enjoy it.

We deserve a better dating culture bcz it feels like we are doomed to be single in a bad economy. It is better to find a community that cares even if you do not find a single person who you could commit to. Learn from the queer community, you god-damn heteros! (I am a hetero too, and clearly I am suffering.)

Is this a dating manifesto?🦋
tame shewolf.


PS: fuck properly!

Why I hate boys. (Part 3)


Read Part 1 and Part 2.

“Women don’t make fools of men most of them are the “do-it-yourself” types.”

-Anonymous

In no mood to repeat the disclaimer, I begin the last post of the trilogy! My compulsive categorization brings to you two types of attitudes boys hold in an argument they can’t win.

“You are a girl.”

Hindi version: Tu ladki hai isiliye main kuch nahi bol raha hoon.

A guy who resorts to this to end an argument is trying to be chivalrous, but you can see past that and notice the deep-rooted crap in his head. The move is equal to forfeiting. I don’t see the sense in it anyway. By ending it with this line, he is not only taking my right to fight for myself, argue back or question further but also forces me to be blinded to certain realities (apparently) “for my own good”. And if it is his Won’t-hit-a-girl policy that stops him, it just means he can’t argue with his intellectual faculties alone.

“You are such a girl!”

My ears turn red when I hear this sentence. If only I could beat such a guy up…

When a guy wants to end the fight pretending to be a victor, he’ll use this sentence to prove that I am the girl who is not understanding him and being irrational; or maybe point out that I am getting unnecessarily emotional. What is being “such a girl”? Is it when I can’t take a bad word in my stride?

I have just one guy in my life who serves my feminism to me on a platter. He gives me exactly what I ask for; nothing more, nothing less. I quite often have heated discussions with him. Sometimes I’ll gasp in offense, “I can’t believe that you just said that.” And he’ll say, “Yes, I did.” It is such a slap of perspective in your face. It just takes me out of my thought-rut and I suddenly appreciate the reality of the blunt equality I keep asking for. I like the hit of truth, even though sometimes it takes time to sink in. But when it does, I have so much more respect for him.
But he’s a school friend, and I have a Never-date-a-school-friend-however-awesome-he-may-turn-out-to-be policy. Now, that’s a subject for a completely new blog-post altogether! 😛

*****

Turning slightly off course and since I’ve been talking about boys, I might as well talk about men. For me, men too have their categories.

1.       The Committed

It is not like boys who are committed become men, or boys who are not virgins are men. No, that is definitely not the case. Like I’ve pointed out before, age or experience is not what makes men. It is something else. As soon as I am able to pin-point it, I will blog about it. Promise.

[Aside: What is the opposite of virgin? Not slang words, the exact antonym.]

2.       The Unreachable

A never-ending list under this category, but here’s a few:

All the actors that I am in love with. For example,

Robert Pattinson (Judge me!)

Hugh Jackman (Of course!)

Brad Pitt (Classic case of when you are beautiful, no one cares for your talent)

Shahrukh Khan (Like how Snape somberly says: “Always!”)

Ranbir Kapoor(I believe him in every scene. Every time.)

 

All the actors that I am in love with who turn out to be gays. I feel cheated when I invest so much of my emotional energy swooning over a guy and he turns out to be a Wikipedia-confirmed-gay. For example,

Neil Patrick Harris

Matthew Bomer

[Aside: Also my own observation: No Neil is ever un-handsome! Also included names in this foolproof list are Thomas/Tom and Matt/Matthew. 😉 Go check! :P]

Fictional characters in books and even movies. Currently, I am Sherlocked. 😛

 

Also musicians, yes!

John Mayer (I know he’s a prick, but I totally get his songs! :P)

Ed Sheeran (This guy is something else!)

3.       My Imagination

God, if only I could allow you inside my brain like Dumbledore does with his pensieve (technically outside his brain)! The perfect guy in my imagination is a glorious man with pride, masculine grace, and all the superheroes of the world combined. He doesn’t need to shout because he is heard.

My imagination is not restricted to the ideal world. I totally indulge in daydreaming in real life too. I am automatically starry-eyed over guys who voraciously read.  I cannot stop looking over at a guy who is reading. C’mon, how romantic is a guy turning pages and smiling over what he just read!
I also remember guys by the romanticized titles I give them like ‘Lion Head’, ‘The Musician’, ‘John Galt’ (Atlas Shrugged Hero) etc. etc. There have been times when I’ve blurted out the ‘Code name’ completely forgetting his real name. That becomes awkward sometimes.

Any guy I meet is subjected to these kinds of tale-spinning of how-awesome-he-must-be usually followed by dawning of reality. That guy (let’s call him ‘Humpty Dumpty’) has a great fall and yes, no one can fix him in this side of the parallel universe either.
So to save myself from the giddy crush-disenchantment cycle, I now repeat to myself, even before I begin making stories: He’s not Batman. He’s not Batman. He’s not Batman.
It has worked for me up till now. Seriously.

The perfect guy is also how Adele describes him in her song ‘Daydreamer’: He can change the world with his hands behind his back; or how Beyonce sings in ‘Single Ladies’: Be the man that makes me, then takes me and delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond.

Coming down to reality, if I try to pinpoint my type of guy, it is ‘The Sorted’. They exist, right?

Or else I’ll have to patiently wait (punctuated by impatient rants) until some dumb boy grows up. Sigh.

Coping with Dysphoria,

Signing off,

Tame SheWolf

WORDLY WISE:

“You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.”

-Anonymous

Why I hate boys. (Part 2)


“If they can put a man on the moon they should be able to put them all up there.”

~Anonymous

Instructions for today: Guys, Identify! Girls, empathize! Both: Read Part 1, if you’ve missed it.

I shall continue from where I left off. So after clichéd types such as The Emotional, The Numb, The Liar and The Flirt we have a fifth type:

5.     The Self Involved *%#@!

The Self Involved *%#@! is so impressed with himself. If he could only hug and console himself, he’d be self-sufficient.

He can only talk about what he did, what he thinks and what he knows. If the conversation digresses to something he doesn’t know, he will turn it back into something he knows.

You’d think if you add your own tidbits, the conversation will be more enriching. But you are wrong! Why do you need to unnecessarily digress from what is more important? Give him a standing ovation once in a while, that’s sticking to the point.

He claims to be an introvert, but is more of a suppressed extrovert. He craves attention and constantly feels being watched or looked up to. (Imagine!) He worries too much of what people think of him.

Sometimes he’ll realize that you’ve been silent for too long. He’ll encourage that you share with him what you think. Of him. If your idea of him is any less flattering in comparison to his own self-concept, you will be bombarded with justifications or be corrected. You nod politely. Let him continue. Stifle a yawn.

Since you listen, remember he considers you a “good friend”. Reciprocate or else…!

The only thing he would enjoy is a chat about him, discussing his achievements/troubles/dreams/favorite stuff. Sometimes I feel people generally disclose more to me than they usually would because I am studying Psychology and they expect insight. (Or it may just be that I counter-question so much! :P). So the differentiating point is that the Self-Involved *%#@! can self-talk even in a group.

This *%#@! will surely think this post was about him. And honey, this time it is for you!

The problem with this type: The sun revolves around him. Save yourself from a sun-burn.

6.     The Patronizing Bastard

I hate The Patronizing Bastard. I hate him. I hate him. I really hate him.

Firstly, he disapproves of you because you don’t fit into his idea of what a girl should be like.

He always has advice for you. He always has instructions to give.

He thinks that the solution to worldly problems girl face is marriage or better still, dating a rich guy. Resist punching him when he says:

-“But why’re you worried? You’ll get married, no?”
Me: “Sooner or Later. Or never.”

-“You should get a boyfriend.”
Me: “Where are they selling them?”

-“Marry a rich guy! Problem solved.”
Me: “For whom?”

He is always right. On rare occasions when he sees your point, he’ll acknowledge that you are right. But he’s more right.

Since you resist his ideas so much, sometimes he’ll let you be. Of course, he’ll let non-verbal cues allow you to understand that he is disappointed and hold you in contempt in his garbage-head.

The problem with The Patronizing Bastard is EVERYTHING. Please if you find out, let me know, who made this Bastard king of anything??

7.     The Henpecked

Do I even need to describe this type?

He prioritizes girlfriend over friends. He really has no assurance of sex (assuming that sex is the prime motivation for acting stupid)

Except in rare occasions, The Henpecked is always a newly-committed guy. He is just so happy he is not going to die a virgin.

He is always trying to please the new GF. He will be with her as much and voluntarily sign up as her slave. He’ll do despicably trivial chores he’d rather not let his friends know about.

So the consequence is that he distances himself from friends. If he is with friends, he will constantly update his GF; even while he’s talking to you.

If you have been his friend, this aspect of his personality will be a shocking insight on how- when it comes down to it, basically, essentially, fundamentally, primarily- boys are stupid and easy to manipulate.

There is really no problem with this guy, except when his dizzying honeymoon period is on and things get awkward. If, in all likelihood, such guys become world leaders or something, then it is safe to say that Beyonce is right: Girls run the world! 😉

8.     The Kid

He’s the true bechara.

He can’t deal with growing up.

He feels forced in to taking responsibilities.

He didn’t expect life would be so cruel and disappointed that his first crush wouldn’t be his wife.

He imitates being an adult. Worse still, imitates being macho. Yuck.

I can’t crib more about The Kid. I just feel bad for him.

Problem: You can’t help but mother him. :/

There! I have summarized the types for you.

(Phew!)

I’d like to point out here, that a boy does not belong purely to one category. Yes, heart-breaking-ly and mind-numbing-ly, these categories sometimes overlap. For example, when The Kid tries to play The Flirt, The Self-Involved becomes The Patronizing Bastard or The Liar pretends to be The Emotional. Until they evolve into men, boys are stuck circling in their limited emotional range.

And girls, we see them through all this. We patiently wait while they figure out what they want from life. So, Yay to us!!! 😀

Boys may still be ungrateful jackasses until they evolve and believe that we’re screwing with their heads. Let them think that. It’s so much fun! 😛
Example: I had this 28-year old (Type: The Kid being The Patronizing Bastard) telling me and I quote, “Relationships f*** you!”.
My mental retort: Why did you get in to a relationship in the first place? To get fucked, I presume. Since when did dumb boys crave stability?

At such times, my friends, with whom I have already vented this imaginative frustration, shriek,

“What kind of guys do you keep meeting??!” “(Whimpers) I don’t know!”

-“Who will you have sex with?!” “(Amused by the concern) Not boys. With men.”

And I realize I talk as if “Men” come from some exclusive planet. Sigh.

Still more to come,

Signing off,

Tame SheWolf

WORDLY WISE:

“I was crying a little for the boy I had wanted him to be and the boy he hadn’t turned out to be.”

― Gabrielle Zevin, Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac

P.S: (SheWolf moans)

P.P.S: It was such an effort to not use abuses in this post. I succumbed.

Why I hate boys. (Part 1)


“I was a thirteen-year-old boy for thirty years.”

~Mickey Rooney

If you have opened the link, I do not need to warn you that this is going to be me ranting my heart out in a polite cruelty capable of only me. I warn you: do not try to calm me down with thy comments! I will also bring to your notice that I do have sane moments when I explain to myself, “Every guy is not like that”.  But, every girl knows that it takes only a moment of silence, after a conversation with a typical guy, to trigger the episode of “AAAAaargh- I- HATE-BOYS!”

(Exhale!)

Let me start by saying that the fundamental reason I hate boys is because they are dumb. Simple as that. My tolerance for dumbness, though increased by magnitudes over the years, is only little. To explain my point, I will categorize a dumb guy, which is every boy in the world, into the following categories:

(Delighted, wicked smile)

1.     The Emotional

This guy always has more trouble than he can cope with.

Fantastic talker.

Plays the victim. Has no stability. Blames external factors only.

Fights with all gusto to prove a redundant point. Doesn’t fight when really required.

Dreams not in proportion to ability; or even vice versa, i.e., capable of so much more but indulges only in trivial superficial talks about death, existentialism, love and pain.

You’d think he’s such a bechara, but really he’s a manipulator.

Example- When you think: “Enough is enough; I’m going to give him my piece of mind today!”, something terrible has already happened in his life and all that build-up in your head is wasted. If nothing has happened, then his miserable puppy eyes say he didn’t mean anything he said/did and you think, “Exactly!”

Example- When you think of leaving, there is a galore of sick promises and lectures on misunderstood-him, purity of his feelings, selflessness etc. etc. And damn you girl, if you believed even one.

In extreme cases, he also injures himself to prove I-don’t-know-what.

He clings. Like a leech.

The problem with this guy is not that he’s emotional; it is that he rates emotions over a strong head. He indulges in emotional internal conflicts for no reason. A simple problem remains unsolved. He can never just man up even for himself and do what is the right thing to do.

If you know even one guy of this type, RUN AWAY! He will zap all your energies and it will not be worth it.

2.     The Numb

In the other extreme end of the emotion spectrum, we have The Numb. Does he feel anything??? That is, except his erection. (Hahahaha.. I can’t believe I’ve not edited this part out. I am so amused by my own joke.)

He is either happy or angry. Incapable of any other emotion.

If you are talking about your feelings to him, oh well… you might as well broadcast the whole situation on TV after adding funny mental monologues to his dumbfounded-ness. Sometimes he will insist you to explain how you feel, maybe only to pass the time. Humor him if you have the strength to withstand more disappointment or if it’s been a good, lucky day.

After something terrible happens, you might worry about how much he must be hurt. So you call him to cheer him up only to realize that he is TOTALLY fine. You may even be disappointed and wonder why you were torturing yourself over it?

There’s no problem with a numb guy unless he happens to be your boyfriend or even your best friend.

3.     The Liar

I hate liars. I just can’t stand them. Irrespective of age, sexual orientation and job designation, all boys lie! Lying is not a type. It is an infection they can’t rid themselves off. Symptoms are as follows:

He’ll lie about the big things, of course. But here’s the catch: he’ll lie about the little things too. If you are waiting for him and ask him where is he; he’ll claim he’s only ten minutes away when he really is going for a bath the next minute. OMFG, why does anyone have to lie for such things??
(Note to whoever does this: If I know the truth, I can prepare myself for waiting for half an hour. What are you scared of? That I’ll crib and nag and scream?? That you can’t save yourself from anyway. Why add to it your stupid lie!)

Such a type, as different versions of the same story told to different people to suit their taste.

He would make efforts to avoid you from socializing with his friends.

He will always be sweet to you on your face.

Phone is password protected. And he may not even be dating or have porn on his phone!

He claims he doesn’t lie. And really girls, believe him on this one: he doesn’t lie. He hides. He’ll give you parts of the truth/the headlines of the event. If you question, not out of suspicion but even out of curiosity, the story falls apart. Lying begins.

Problem with the liar type: Can’t trust him for even little things. It’s just sad.

4.     The Flirt

I am not including the perverse-type in this list who want to make/do/have friendship. If friendship is an “activity” for you, do not talk to me. Period.

I like witty flirting. It is healthy and so mentally-stimulating. But The Flirt makes you feel like crying.

He cannot talk straight. He cannot have a conversation without interrupting it with his “flirtatious comments.” After a point, you realize he’s over-doing it, being unrealistic, superfluous and then you just get bored because it’s untrue and unnecessary.

Though you might catch yourself laughing, it is actually your fake, tired laugh. Sadly, your tired laugh is only reinforcing more senseless flirting.

Problem with The Flirt: It doesn’t make you feel special. You know he keeps no standard/filter whatsoever.

Oh! This has turned out to be a long post and I’m not done yet. Stay tuned for more this week! 😀

Of course, this is only Part 1!

Signing off,

Tame SheWolf

WORDLY WISE:

Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.

~Plato

 

P.S: (SheWolf moans)