I do catch myself indulging in wishful thinking sometimes.
I once read Rana Dasgupta’s book Solo, and that book haunts me. I was so impacted by the book’s structure itself. It had divided itself in two parts– the first was the life, and the second was the daydream of the character. Both were so beautiful. That book made me realise that we cope with our lives in daydreams.
But even though I understand that fact thoroughly, I am only recently internalising it. Daydreaming or wishful thinking evokes a lot of guilt in me. I feel stupid because I am being unrealistic.
I am afraid that if I start dreaming I am deluding myself. How can I aspire to be an artist? Indulge in art that gets paid? How can I call myself a writer when I am still held ransom by my moods? Why should I as an “independent” woman continue to hope for companionship? I am cringing as I write this. I am definitely more responsible and stronger than that. Am I not?
I hate being all feelings. Daydreaming definitely feels like “no brain”. So, then even in my own head, I resist reaching a thought that exposes what I lack. It is pointing out what I could want, but it is impossible. If I indulge in it, I am confessing that I still want that impossible even though the realities don’t lead to that direction.
In short, I was afraid.
The first time I articulated it in my journal, I had to take a step back. I see dreaming as weak? That’s pretty harsh. Don’t we cope with our lives in our dreams?
I want to have more audacity than I do now. A little bit of delusional thinking would do me good. If you want to continue living life, not just surviving it, you are forced to be an optimist. There is no need to have a naysayer in your own head. Let the outside world do it if it must. But just maybe, the outside world doesn’t see your dream as a delusion either.
Why not dream?
PS: This whole time my mom was crushing on a Korean actor after watching a romcom TV series, and I told her to indulge herself in daydream about love because what is the damn harm? That’s the point of entertainment. Clearly, I preach first and then practice.)