I have told you this in person but I don’t understand why it comes out broken. And on the phone, it’s not the same. And on text, well, you can’t read. Period. See, it is difficult to not be patronizing towards you. I find it infuriating that you don’t understand me. I could be standing with a placard with words in block letters that said, nay, screamed, I love you and you’d say, “yeah, I like you too.” Bitch please, is it the same thing? Are we on the same planet? Why is it difficult to get through you? Sigh. I know you don’t know any other way to be. Hmmm. So I heard that you are doing just fine without me. Earning respect and making money and becoming the life-coach/uncle that you are at 26. Now when I speak to you all your analogies and metaphors are work-related. Even when you talk of love and sex, you talk in finance. I am glad you found your purpose. But then I have to admit to you that that industry, I am going to bring it to dust. Friend, the worker’s revolution demands it! It is good to see you proud, purposeful and passionate. Of course, the world welcomes this, success to those with the emotional depth of a teaspoon. Yeah, yeah, I know I annoy you too. For the longest time, I thought it was my fault, and my burden to bear. Things changed ever so slightly, that it almost affected nothing. There is always somebody else who has to walk into your life to show you the mirror, that is, only if you have the courage to be vulnerable and reveal your madness. Of course, I unraveled. That’s my favourite thing to do! But as soon as I let go of that somebody, I again found myself in the middle of the ocean. My existential pain and me, floating in the void. And at first, it felt like a punishment I didn’t deserve. The sea was clear when he left. It felt like all the hardwork I had done, the hate mails I had written, the pain I had scrawled in diaries, all never left me to dry on the page. The nib just helped it burrow deeper. I had to confront you again. Ask you, what you were doing inside my head after all this time? Ask myself, why am I constantly bargaining with your ghost? I assure you that the ghost has nothing to do with you. But it does a little, doesn’t it? Think about it— I would have written better poems, if it was a bit happier, if you were a bit kinder; if I was a bit grateful. You would not be the face of that feeling of despair knocking me down, seasonally. I thought that time and distance would erase all the memories. It did. But I am still stuck somewhere in the middle of that void, with nothing to my name. I am ashamed to be that fool with all this courage but no proof to show for all this bravado. It was a lie that I nurtured, wasn’t it? And now, you just want to shake yourself away from this. That may be the root of all this anger, other than the rejection. I rue the day you first looked at me and decided I was a friend. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck. You. If you thought I was so easy to quit. Hmpf. It is embarrassing how your nonchalance is driving me hysterical. I have given up. Now, I pray to your ghost for forgiveness. I pray for it to leave me. By the way, you needn’t worry. I took all my things that make sounds echoing grief and let it dissipate with some medicines. So I watch the sounds instead of hear them, and it makes me feel free. I have been thinking about what do I want from you that would give me a closure that is acceptable to both of us. I don’t want you to say that you love me; of course, you don’t. I get that. I understand consent. I missed my turn and it is a reality that has shaped who I am at this moment. All I want is for you to say— yes, K, you loved me. The rest I can do without. This madness craves an applause before it can fuck off for good.
PS: I don’t subscribe to the love as property idea of the song, but it is groovy and full of feels. I was obsessing over the pause he takes in the first verse after each line, and I was like, I want to add my noise to it. because that’s the heaviness, right?! Also, title inspired by Lorde’s album because this is what it feels like. Requested by Rivulet*.