“Do I dare disturb the universe?”
– T S Eliot
I ask these things for me. This is the basic understanding you must have for a peaceful co-existence with me.
1. Don’t be afraid of judgments.
I am a judge. I judge left, right and centre. Having said that, I’m the most non-judgmental judgmental person you’ll ever meet. If you tell me something, I make a judgment of the context, the kind of person you are, how that adds or subtracts from the person I thought you are or will be.
For me, to be a friend is to know a person in and out. I am obsessive. I feel cheated and guilty, if I realize my friend has changed manifolds; cheated because s/he grew up without me, and guilty because I was absent and not part of the change. If I can’t plot the subtle thought growth in my friends, then I feel I am not a good friend.
I judge. Unlike a judge/critic, I will not condemn you to be a brat or even an angel. Everyone’s life is different. Everyone has something different to learn from their journeys. How can any one definition fit all? My judgment is not written in stone. And, it is not me who is writing what you are, it is you who are writing on me about what in that moment you think/feel you are. If you only knew that nothing about anyone can be damned permanent, even if the person insists for consistency. Everything you do builds up to the conclusion, it is never the conclusion.
As far as I know, I am not outspoken. I talk too much, yes. I am not childish about it. I know my words bring consequences, good and bad, and I say only so much, that which I can bear. I have no intention of saving the world by being blunt honest about what I think.
Judge. The word has such an unnecessary negative connotation to it. Should I say ‘analyze’? Should I say ‘evaluate’? Should I say ‘understand’?
If you add the ‘Don’t judge’ clause to the sentence you’re about to say, I’m going to cry a little bit in my head and go deaf.
2. Celebrate irreverence.
I think I have said this before, and I’ll say it again: Humour is my defense mechanism.
Imagine what would happen to me, if my over-thinking brain took everything seriously.
So when I deride concepts like god, country, (so many concepts really) you should be immune to it or rejoice with me.
3. Seek daily attention elsewhere.
I cannot give anyone 24*7 attention. I get bored. People tire me.
I think this wouldn’t have been a problem if it wasn’t for mobile phones. There’s someone you’re talking to constantly. I feel suffocated. I throw my phone away if I am at home. I chat only after it’s evening, that stays true even if I have nothing to do all day. My funda is- Only I will waste my time; nobody else is allowed to.
I can’t chat with/talk to anyone daily. I feel the pressure to entertain maybe, or listen attentively, and I don’t have that energy to give to any one every single day.
I have best friends. I speak to all of them once a month. Remember the thought growth graph I keep? My monthly conversations have purpose. I don’t know how I will ever date with this state of mind, but I always hope that he has a life without me.
If you don’t understand why I am being such an uptight nutcase, I really don’t have anything more to say to that. I will just shut up and politely nod. What else does an introvert do anyway?
Let me be.
“I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.”
– T S Eliot
PS: I love T S Eliot. Both the quotes are from his poem, The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock.