I wrote to kill.

“One always has a better book in one’s mind than one can manage to get onto paper.”

― Michael Cunningham

Three years of blogging. I should be happy. But I am not.
It’s an achievement, really! Given that I am a quitter.

But I am not happy. My resolution last year was to ‘Write happy things’. Guess, it was meant to be broken. Not to say that happiness is not possible to me; but I find it difficult to write only about happy things. Initially, in order to stick to this resolution, I used to post sweet, happy poems by better poets than me. Eventually, my need to ramble took over.

I guess it is not even about that. I began this blog as a creative outlet. Up till now, all it has ended up to be is a public display of my thought rut. All I do is rant, crib and vent.

This year, I wrote to kill my boredom. I wrote to kill with words.  I wrote to get over… er..  stuff (see, I don’t even have apt words in my head anymore!) I wrote to move past all my writer’s block and all my writer’s excuses. I wrote because I would forget otherwise. I wrote because it had to be done.

Three years of blogging. It should improve my writing. But it did not.
It’s been a drag and I realized it only now, when I am contemplating about writing a blog anniversary post.

Recently, I realized I am an approval-seeker. On further reflection, I realized I am unnecessarily funny even in my blog. Who says that’s the only thing that keeps a reader engaged?

Once I write, I actually forget about it. It’s posted, and I’m done with it. The readers (their comments/likes/site-view) get me back suddenly to a lost blog-post. So when I re-read my own work with fresh eyes and increased grey cells, I can spot so many errors- from mistyped words to blunders in grammar!

Sometimes I rationalize that the sentence structure would make sense with the tone I have intended to say it in. Other times I cringe and let it be. But I wonder if all readers read in the tone it is meant to be read in.

My (few) readers have been kind to me. No complaints and hence (maybe) no demands either. Anyway, I am sorry for uninspired writing. I am sorry for lazy ideas. I am sorry for tired editing. This was not how it was supposed to be.

This year’s resolution: Be Creative.
I promise less clutter, less unnecessary chatter.

That will happen, one slow step at a time.

I shall write to haunt.

Signing off,

Tame SheWolf

WORDLY WISE:

“One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple.” 

― Jack Kerouac