“If they can put a man on the moon they should be able to put them all up there.”
Instructions for today: Guys, Identify! Girls, empathize! Both: Read Part 1, if you’ve missed it.
I shall continue from where I left off. So after clichéd types such as The Emotional, The Numb, The Liar and The Flirt we have a fifth type:
5. The Self Involved *%#@!
The Self Involved *%#@! is so impressed with himself. If he could only hug and console himself, he’d be self-sufficient.
He can only talk about what he did, what he thinks and what he knows. If the conversation digresses to something he doesn’t know, he will turn it back into something he knows.
You’d think if you add your own tidbits, the conversation will be more enriching. But you are wrong! Why do you need to unnecessarily digress from what is more important? Give him a standing ovation once in a while, that’s sticking to the point.
He claims to be an introvert, but is more of a suppressed extrovert. He craves attention and constantly feels being watched or looked up to. (Imagine!) He worries too much of what people think of him.
Sometimes he’ll realize that you’ve been silent for too long. He’ll encourage that you share with him what you think. Of him. If your idea of him is any less flattering in comparison to his own self-concept, you will be bombarded with justifications or be corrected. You nod politely. Let him continue. Stifle a yawn.
Since you listen, remember he considers you a “good friend”. Reciprocate or else…!
The only thing he would enjoy is a chat about him, discussing his achievements/troubles/dreams/favorite stuff. Sometimes I feel people generally disclose more to me than they usually would because I am studying Psychology and they expect insight. (Or it may just be that I counter-question so much! :P). So the differentiating point is that the Self-Involved *%#@! can self-talk even in a group.
This *%#@! will surely think this post was about him. And honey, this time it is for you!
The problem with this type: The sun revolves around him. Save yourself from a sun-burn.
6. The Patronizing Bastard
I hate The Patronizing Bastard. I hate him. I hate him. I really hate him.
Firstly, he disapproves of you because you don’t fit into his idea of what a girl should be like.
He always has advice for you. He always has instructions to give.
He thinks that the solution to worldly problems girl face is marriage or better still, dating a rich guy. Resist punching him when he says:
-“But why’re you worried? You’ll get married, no?”
Me: “Sooner or Later. Or never.”
-“You should get a boyfriend.”
Me: “Where are they selling them?”
-“Marry a rich guy! Problem solved.”
Me: “For whom?”
He is always right. On rare occasions when he sees your point, he’ll acknowledge that you are right. But he’s more right.
Since you resist his ideas so much, sometimes he’ll let you be. Of course, he’ll let non-verbal cues allow you to understand that he is disappointed and hold you in contempt in his garbage-head.
The problem with The Patronizing Bastard is EVERYTHING. Please if you find out, let me know, who made this Bastard king of anything??
7. The Henpecked
Do I even need to describe this type?
He prioritizes girlfriend over friends. He really has no assurance of sex (assuming that sex is the prime motivation for acting stupid)
Except in rare occasions, The Henpecked is always a newly-committed guy. He is just so happy he is not going to die a virgin.
He is always trying to please the new GF. He will be with her as much and voluntarily sign up as her slave. He’ll do despicably trivial chores he’d rather not let his friends know about.
So the consequence is that he distances himself from friends. If he is with friends, he will constantly update his GF; even while he’s talking to you.
If you have been his friend, this aspect of his personality will be a shocking insight on how- when it comes down to it, basically, essentially, fundamentally, primarily- boys are stupid and easy to manipulate.
There is really no problem with this guy, except when his dizzying honeymoon period is on and things get awkward. If, in all likelihood, such guys become world leaders or something, then it is safe to say that Beyonce is right: Girls run the world!😉
8. The Kid
He’s the true bechara.
He can’t deal with growing up.
He feels forced in to taking responsibilities.
He didn’t expect life would be so cruel and disappointed that his first crush wouldn’t be his wife.
He imitates being an adult. Worse still, imitates being macho. Yuck.
I can’t crib more about The Kid. I just feel bad for him.
Problem: You can’t help but mother him.
There! I have summarized the types for you.
I’d like to point out here, that a boy does not belong purely to one category. Yes, heart-breaking-ly and mind-numbing-ly, these categories sometimes overlap. For example, when The Kid tries to play The Flirt, The Self-Involved becomes The Patronizing Bastard or The Liar pretends to be The Emotional. Until they evolve into men, boys are stuck circling in their limited emotional range.
And girls, we see them through all this. We patiently wait while they figure out what they want from life. So, Yay to us!!!😀
Boys may still be ungrateful jackasses until they evolve and believe that we’re screwing with their heads. Let them think that. It’s so much fun!😛
Example: I had this 28-year old (Type: The Kid being The Patronizing Bastard) telling me and I quote, “Relationships f*** you!”.
My mental retort: Why did you get in to a relationship in the first place? To get fucked, I presume. Since when did dumb boys crave stability?
At such times, my friends, with whom I have already vented this imaginative frustration, shriek,
–“What kind of guys do you keep meeting??!” “(Whimpers) I don’t know!”
-“Who will you have sex with?!” “(Amused by the concern) Not boys. With men.”
And I realize I talk as if “Men” come from some exclusive planet. Sigh.
Still more to come,
“I was crying a little for the boy I had wanted him to be and the boy he hadn’t turned out to be.”
― Gabrielle Zevin, Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac
P.S: (SheWolf moans)
P.P.S: It was such an effort to not use abuses in this post. I succumbed.